Were you ever in a situation wherein you have more than enough money to buy what you want but not enough to buy what you want?
It's frustrating isn't it?
Can't relate? Well just look at the list of things that I want but I can't afford:
1. HP IPAQ H6365 - currently on sale @ Php 20,000.00
2. Playstation 2 - PS3 will be launched next year but I'll still settle for this one
3. Sony HC42 - i already have a digicam. this is the next level
4. Ipod Nano - it's cool to have one of these
While I'm at it, might as well list the cheaper things that I want:
1. Sandisk Cruizer Micro
2. Canon iP4200 Printer
3. The Book of Laughter and Forgetting or Identity by Milan Kundera
4. Travel charger for my Tungsten T3
I could go on but that would be a waste of time. =)
This is a very sad night for all of us...
I feel like I have lost a dear friend...
I'm gonna be okay, though...
I hope my Mom won't cry too much...
I'm stealing a few seconds of my time to share this funny, but very enlightening story.
Her Side of the Story:
He was in an odd mood last night. We planned to meet at Greenbelt 3 for a drink.
I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk a bit more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me.
I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know, he didn't say it back or anything, this is really worrying me.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me!
So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV, and sat with a distant
look in his eyes that seemed to say it's all over between us.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed.
Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, he responded to my advances.
But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster.His Side of the Story:
Natalo Ateneo sa La Salle...
yesterday was not good.
i had to rush F to the hospital because she's having this terrible, terrible tummy ache. i was really scared. i was frightened. i never want to feel that way again. i wouldn't even wish it on my enemy (if i had one). i almost cried. almost. i was that scared. that's why i felt so relieved when it was over. i'm glad its over. i hope it's really over.
i wonder if that was what Anakin felt when he dreamt about Padmé...
i took her to Manila Doctors Hospital, a suggestion from my parents. they always come through for me. i'm really grateful for them. they are not the perfect parents but they are perfect for me. they are just the way i want them to be, just the way that i need them. =) the hospital was better than i expected. it was clean and i encountered no problems with the staff or any patients. it was not crowded, either. i'm glad i brought her there.
Manila Doctors Hospital
667 U.N. Ave., Ermita, Manila
Phone 5243011
Fax 523-9114
just to give an update on the project bonus, the chances of having one had just increased. the announcement was moved to an earlier date. instead of having it after payday, it was rescheduled before payday. this is purely wishful thinking, though.
come to think of it. the project bonus may already be irrelevant...
i just realized that my condition might not have anything to do with the project. there is a good chance that it's because of the possibility that there may not be any project bonus this year. the sooner i accept this, the better. i hate this topic but i have to get it off my chest. oh well...
i regret talking about my complaints in front of our new joiner. really. i believe i have done something unethical by doing so. i'm so sorry. i feel like i just shoved the red pill down her throat. i just hope she won't think much about it.
from now on, i'm shutting my mouth regarding this topic. or at least i'll try to.
i'm feeling down today. i guess the project is getting into me. but then again, i'm not so sure if that really is the problem. whatever it is, i hope i get rid of it soon or else i'll be dragging my feet to work for the whole week! "Sino ‘tong nakatingin?
kanta na lang nga ako...
Anghel bang magliligtas sa’kin?
Mga mata’y kanyang minulat sa pagdadalamhati
Hinahanap sa kung saan
Pakpak na hindi mahagilap
Ninanais ko lang naman na maging ganap
Kailangan lang pagbigyan
Kulang lang sa pansin" -- Sponge Cola, KLSP lyrics
okay, i feel better already. =)
Today is F's birthday. It's supposed to be a happy day but somehow i don't think so. I wonder if she's going to like my gift to her.
Oh! Last night, we ate at Seafood Club in Greenbelt 3. That has got to be the most expensive date I ever had. Oh well. Let's blame it to the economy. LOL!
I have so much work to do! Grrr! My eyes hurt. I don't know why. I think I need a vacation. I need to unwind and get closer to nature. The effect of the Pagudpud trip had faded away. I feel chained. Unfree. I'm burdened by all this work. I want to release all this pressure...
Still, i look at the bright side. sometime in the near future, I will feel happy because I overcame these obstacles.
"I just feel like I'm drowning in a dark hole." This is what the system admin wrote to me in her email. She was asking for help. I was a little apprehensive to acknowledge her comment. She sounded really sad. Really, really desperate. Apparently, in some not-so-remarkable twist of fate, that is exactly what I'm feeling right now. I'm drowning in a dark hole. A hole filled with mistakes and lapses of judgment. I'm so sad right now. I find myself sighing every once in awhile. I catch myself closing my eyes tight, wishing that my problems would go away. It's a futile attempt but somehow, it makes me feel better. Rather, it makes me feel less. Making me less depressed. Not so much but enough. Enough to last me through the day...
Cause tonight I leave my fears behind
Cause tonight I'll be right at your side
Lie down right next to me
Lie down right next to me
And I will never let go, will never let go...
Today, a manager asked me to create a website. This website will cater to employees seeking to hone their leadership skills.
I say this is a great opportunity to be famous. Or so I wish. LOL
My legs still ache from the paintball game last saturday. My ego has already healed a little though. It just sucks that our team lost. I should have played on defense. Oh well, that's life. I'm just happy that I'm not a soldier. I wish I could play paintball again... and win.
What a trip! Blue Lagoon (Maira-ira beach) is the best beach I've ever been to. The water was so clear. No sea urchins, no jellyfishes, and no pollution! Grabe! I'm definitely going back there again.
If you think Puerto Galera is good, then this beach will blow you away!
I love Pagudpud!
tonight is the night.
i am going to Ilocos.
i feel good.
i have a good aura today.
my team says i surf too much. i say, they are just pointing out the obvious. i hate myself for loving the net too much. well, not really... but almost. LOL!
my team says i surf too much. they say a lot of things too. good things i suppose. i just want to focus on my weakness. i'm good but not good enough. for me, that is. just like in the new Accenture commercial. Go on, AlphaVictor, be a Tiger.
my team says i surf too much. look what i'm doing now.
My trip to Ilocos is on friday and i'm having a dilemma. My brother broke the digicam and i doubt if it's going to be repair on time. BADTRIP!!! I'm so desperate that i might purchase a new one. I have to stop myself from thinking about that. I have enough bills to last me two months. A new digicam will set me back 13,500 pesos! I have to remember, i'm still paying for my PDA and my insurance will be due next month. What a bummer!
April 23-24, I went to our project's summer outing in Los Baños, Laguna. I had a good time.
We met up early in the morning in front of 6750. The first bus left at 8:30. We arrived at Splash Mountain Oasis at around 10:00. We played the Amazing Race. I was one of the marshals. It was fun while it lasted. We ate lunch after the game and then went to our room. There we played cards until it was 4:30. We went out when it was not very hot anymore. We tried out all the giant slides. Again, it was fun while it lasted. After that, we went to our room to bathe. We had an awarding ceremony during the dinner. I was one of the emcees. Dinner was okay. The blue marlin was so good. Yum! After dinner, we had a few card games in our room and then went out to play guesstures. Our team lost the first round but we won on the next round. We went back to our room to play more card games. Maan celebrated her birthday when mindnight came. I shot a couple of tequila and drank a few beers. By 4:30, I was so sleepy so I slept. In the morning, Ria, Mark and I went back to the giant slides after eating breakfast. Yup! Sinulit namin ang outing. Hehehe. Then we went back to 6750 and parted ways.
April 29- 30, I went to Nasugbu Batabgas with F and my college friends. Again, I had a good time.
We met up early in the morning in front of Vero's condo. They had been waiting for us. F and I were late. On our way to White Cove, we stopped over in Mushroom Burger, Tagaytay. We ate breakfast then we continued to our destination. We were unsure of the directions so we had to ask the smiling man in front of the sari-sari store. He was so eager to tell us the directions that it seems as if it was his job. Then, we arrived at White Cove. It looked like a deserted resort with a lot of ruins surrounding the area. Creepy! It was like corregidor. We checked out the hotel and condo accomodations before we decided to check in to the hotel. We ate lunch at the resort's restaurant. Just like its accomodations, the resort's resto was overpriced. We went back to the room and chat until the heat outside is bearable. We were all disappointed about the beach's condition. It was very dirty. There were seaweeds, plastics bags, and all other sorts of garbage floating. Still, we looked for the cleanest area in the beach and took a swim there. We decided to leave the water when our skin started to itch. Yuck! We went back to the room and stayed there til it was sunset. We took some pictures and throw some stones on the water. When we got hungry, we left the resort to eat at the town. We ate at the most decent place we could find. A 3M pizza place. Definitely cheaper than the food back at the resort. Billy had to go home because had to go to work in the morning. We went back to the resort. We talked all night. When morning came, we talked again. It was a good thing Rachelle was around. She did most of the talking. She and Dewey was such a sight. They're a cute couple. We went to the beach to have another swim. It was more enjoyable this time. The water was cleaner and we could see some fishes with our goggles and snorkle. After swimming, we went back to the room to talk again. We had good conversations. We always have good conversations. Too bad, Peter and Val is not around. They would have had fun. We checked out before noon. We decided to eat at Leslie's, Tagaytay. The food was good but the ambiance was so so. It would have been better had there been less people. We took some photos before we left. We had less conversations on our way to manila. Probably because we had been talking since the time we met. Or, we could have been exhausted. Whatever. We all had a great time. Sana next time kumpleto na kami.
i'd like to excuse myself from blogging for a while, but since i'm posting anyway, i might as well put in some stuff worth blogging about.
last night, i went to the company summer concert. i went there with ria, jay-anne, bogs, and ian. we're all from the same project. i got to know ria because she was one of the organizers of the AWSO. jay-anne is ria's ka-startgroup. i first met bogs when he tagged along with jun last company christmas party. ian is jay-anne's boyfriend.
the concert started lame. sugar-free could have had a better crowd. kitchie got a little more. rivermaya's crowd was the wildest. it must've been the beer. lol
that's it. au revoir!
"We studied the Egyptians from November 4th to December 2nd," he said. "You chose to write about them for the optional essay question. Would you care to hear what you had to say?"
"No, sir, not very much," I said.
He read it anyway, though. You can't stop a teacher when they want to do something. They just do it.
The Egyptians were an ancient race of Caucasians residing in one of the northern sections of Africa. The latter as we all know is the largest continent in the Eastern Hemisphere.
The Egyptians are extremely interesting to us today for various reasons. Modern sciences would still like to know what the secret ingredients were that the Egyptians used when they wrapped up dead people so that their faces would not rot for innumerable centuries. This interesting riddle is still quite a challenge to modern science in the twentieth century.
"I know I did," I said. I said it very fast because I wanted to stop him before he started reading that out loud. But you couldn't stop him. He was hot as a firecracker.
DEAR MR. SPENCER [he read out loud]. That is all I know about the Egyptians. I can't seem to get very interested in them although your lectures are very interesting. It is alright with me if you flunk me though as I'm flunking everything else except English anyway. Respectfully yours, HOLDEN CAULFIELD.
He put me goddam paper down then and looked at me like he'd just beaten hell out of me in ping-pong or something.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
this is one of the best books i've read. astig!
i'm drinking coffee again. i had to. i was so sleepy and i have to finish these deliverables by EOD. i need to have a clean slate before Sarah gets back from Boracay. butipasha... lol!
on a different note...
summer is here! i'm so totally psyched up for swimming. i wonder what adventures await me in Pagudpud. i can't wait til i get my feet on wet sand.
haven't been blogging this past few days 'cause i've been busy with my new toy.
i love my new PDA. i just can't put it down. it's so great! i've been playing with it since i bought it last march 18 and i still can't get enough of it. the games, the applications, and recently, the themes! san ka pa?! lol!
reasons to be happy this weekend.
1. went to a self defense class. wanna try my jujitsu? hiya!
2. i got a Palm Tungsten T3. i never thought i would be able to own one. such an overwhelming feat. lol
3. F and i are okay now. We're going to Tagaytay tomorrow! yihee!
4. i got invited to a group blog. neat! -> http://riapatmaan.blogspot.com
5. WHATDAF*CK! i will be having ASP training on monday! woohoo!
6. i'm going swimming this sunday. actually, it's an occular visit to splash mountain. mixing business with pleasure. nice!
it pours...
when it rains, it pours.
haven't been blogging for days.
lot's of things had happened.
mostly good (including my birthday).
but they don't matter anymore,
'cause right now,
my life's raining cats and dogs.
1. my dad was rushed to the hospital last sunday. he had chest pains and difficulty breathing. we found out that he had a mild heart attack and that he needed to be confined in the hospital for observation. the first 48 hours are critical for someone who suffered a heart attack. his blood pressure was so high that he needed to be sent to the ICU. he stayed there for three days. he's now confined in a private room and is expected to go home on saturday.
2. i got an invitation to an Oracle training session for a month. Of course i accepted. i was happy for a while, only to find out that i can't attend. i can complain but there's no use. there is nothing i can do to get any training for myself.
3. F started going out with other guys last week. she did it twice. she said it didn't mean anything so i just shrugged both off. what really broke my heart is the exchange of messages she had with one of her crushes in school. it went something like this:
s: have you eaten already?
f: why do you always ask me that? secret.
s: no particular reason. so have you eaten, i mean lunch?
f: yes.
s: i'm guessing this is your lunch. (holds a pack of crackers)
f: yes, actually. but i had a can of fruits. i had a case of diarrhea earlier.
s: you should eat more!
f: i guess you're right. tell me something good to eat and i will eat it.
s: me.
!!!!!!!!!!
there is another one but you get the idea. i am open to the fact that i may be over-reacting. how am i suppose to know? this is the first time that something like this has happened to me. so many things are going on in my mind. it hurts, literally. this is no longer simulated sadness. this is the real thing.
problems like these don't come very often. i'm grateful. after this storm has passed, i hope my memory fails me. ignorance is bliss.
that which does not kill you, makes you stronger.
if this doesn't make me stronger, i'm dead.
awww... this movie made me smile. i would have enjoyed it even more if i had watched it with F, my sassy girl. =)
panalo! lol
up next: windstruck (yuck! i'm getting so mushy!)
"when the world pushes you down to your knees,
you are in the perfect position to pray."
i don't know who said this one but it sounds nice. i just wanted to share.
Fairspectives
I went to UP Fair last saturday. F and i went there with Dianne and her elementary classmates. First time. It was fun. Definitely better than La Salle's. I bought a cool toy there. it's a battery operated light-stick that flickers with different colors at a very high frequency. Pwe! Basta it's a cool toy. Anyway, the fair was great... and long. we left the fair at around 4:30 in the morning.
Cheng and Gemma's Food Fest
There was some sort of food fest yesterday. Cheng treated us to lunch at Gerry's -- that made us full. Then, at 3pm, we ordered a yellow cab pizza, a bunch of aling nene's barbeque, 2 cans of ice cream and a big tray of baked mac for Cheng and Gemma's birthday -- that made us even fuller. Ugh! my stomach was so heavy after that.
just some of the food we ate yesterday.
can i just rant for a while? last night, i felt stupid talking to the architecture specialist (AS) about my deliverables. it turns out that the template (which i got from the repository) and the PL/SQL script (that i made) had been poorly designed. aarrgghh!!! i hate this! how do you expect me to create a good design when the only training i had was the almost useless and definitely brain-frying PL/SQL computer based training (CBT). i almost had a seizure taking up those CBT's. damn it, i'm learning things the hard way around here. i'm just angry because i don't want to feel sad, sad because i could have done better if i had proper training. sad because i could have met their expectations. i could have even surpassed them. i just wish... oh what the heck! wishing won't do me any good.
oh well, that's enough ranting for today. until next time!
ciao!
i just read my old blog. all i can say is:
what the hell happened to me?! what the fuck?!
there. i said it. i'm so disappointed on what i had done with my life. what have i become? i'm not sure, actually, but i feel so pathetic.
i knew it. i knew it all along, but its only now that its really sinking in. i have to do something about this.
if you want to know who i was 3 years ago, just go read my old blog, http://alphavictor.easyjournal.com. please read it in chronological order.
maan showed me her new toy. the casio exilim z40. nice!
a very small digicam
if you want to see this image in its original size, visit http://exilim.casio.com
"today is the the first day of the rest of your life." - some witty person
i just realized that my forgetfulness may be a sign of dementia. demented and paranoid is a bad combination, me thinks. then again, i maybe over-reacting and that is just my hypochondriasis kicking in. lol
Glossary of Terms:
dementia: A mental disorder characterized by a disintegration of personality, confusion, disorientation, decreased intelligence, and difficulty controlling memory, judgment, and impulses
paranoia: Irrational distrust of others, delusions of persecution, often strenuously defended with apparent logic and reason
hypochondria: A disorder involving having a constant fear of illness and a preoccupation with one's health
happy valentine's day! i'm wearing red today because i am so happy to that i'm in a very good relationship right now. this is F and I's 2nd valentine's together and we are still stronger than ever. i don't want to be too mushy on this entry so i'll stop right here.
F and I went to greenbelt last saturday with nelson, jeng, and dianne. it was jeng's 23rd birthday. she treated us to red box. unfortunately, nelson had to leave before we could eat because he had to go attend some thesis meeting in QC. but even if it was just the four of us, we still had a great time. our singing was bad but the food was good, the company was good and we had fun. i wish i could have more of those.
i have just run out of work.
sigh!
i have just finished my investigation for an application. it took me a lot of time to finish that task because.. you know... learning curve.
it's depressing to be idle.
ashton kutcher, upon hearing ashlee simpson's song, "La la."
hehehe.
http://www.butterflyeffectmovie.com <-astig!
it's ash wednesday today. i've seen a lot of people with ashes on their forehead. sarah and gemma is at the podium right now, attending mass. it's supposed to be a reminder to us that we came from ashes and will return to asshes in time. come to think of it, shouldn't we be using dirt instead of ash? and then, we'll have to call it dirt wednesday. we're suppose to abstain from eating meat. hmm... i think i shouldn't have eaten bacon for breakfast and sisig for lunch.
religion is such a bad topic.
"But now I don't understand why I'm feeling so bad now when I know it was my idea. I could've just denied the truth and lied. But why am I the only one standing stranded on the same ground?" -Kitchie Nadal, "Same Ground"
images from http://www.kitchienadal.com
i'm almost done with all my detail designs. only one left. my manager is busy looking for work that she could last me the rest of the week. soon enough, i would be coding the designs. i hope i would do better this time.
i'm getting the hang of being involved in a project. i learn something new from time to time. the peer review comments becomes lesser and lesser for every design that i do. that is good but somehow, its not enough. what i really want is training. vendor training would be nice (i've been wanting this ever since i signed my contract) but in house training would do.
tomorrow is wednesday, team breakfast day. assigned for tomorrow is donna, mark and me. hmm... outbox... yummy!
today is arfel's birthday. he's on VL (virthday leave) today. too bad i can't have a VL on my birthday... lol
we might go to powerbowl on feb 24. we might also go to puerto galera this april. i could only hope so. =)
i'm singing Crazy For You in my mind!
Crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
I never wanted anyone like this
It's all brand new,
-Sponge Cola, "Crazy for you"
i'm gonna sing this song as soon as i get my hands on our videoke! Arrgh! i can't wait!
i'm calm, i'm calm. (ala Doug Whitmore in 50 first dates)
hehehe.
Please don't confront me with my failures
'Cause I have not forgotten them
-Mates of State, "These Days"
i just lost my "mini shabu-shabu" post. i got an error when i tried to publish it. all that typing gone to waste. this sucks, big time!
anyway, to summarize the entry, i ate at the mini shabu-shabu resto with F and my college buddies. we had good food and we had a good time.
i wish i didn't have to do this (start something) but i think i have to. i'm starting on a goal-setting program to improve myself one step at a time. i realize that this will be difficult but at the same time, this is a chance to prove myself to me. (i have disappointed myself a lot of times.) first on the list is my work habit, or the lack of it. this i think will have the greatest impact in my life, now. i must get my act together if i want to have a better life. i have decided that this program will be the main theme for my blog (instead of the current "anything goes" theme).
let's treat this as the kick-off entry for the program.
it's almost 9:30PM and i'm still in the office. i ain't complaining. this is better than doing nothing or worse, something boring. i love working, but not all the time though. there are times when the work is so boring that i'd rather be watching discovery channel or national geographic. lol! i love to work. i just hate it when i mess up. bad habit. tsk, tsk, tsk.
does she look pregnant to you? damn! lol!
who am i to judge a "friend" who married his spiritual adviser who's more than 15 YEARS OLDER THAN HIM? maybe he's crazy. maybe she's desperate. maybe they're doing "God's Will." maybe something happened between them and they felt guilty about it so they thought about appeasing their conscience by marrying each other. maybe they wanted something to happen between them so they decided to get married so they can do it guilt-free. maybe they're really in love. maybe, maybe not. i don't know. i can't say. i don't know the situation they're in. i wasn't invited in the wedding. i wasn't even told about the wedding. the wedding was apparently on a need-to-know basis. WHY?! why would you not want others to know about your wedding?
so, who am i to judge?
i'm just a blogger. all i can do is blog about it, wish them luck in their marriage (they're gonna need lots of it), and hope that in time, i would learn to understand what was going on in their mind.
during my lunch break, i watched Pirates of the Caribbean. it's a good movie. i wasn't able to finish it though. i ran out of time. =)
Johnny Depp was amusing.
Rrr! lol
check out this research service by google.
http://answers.google.com
i just want to thank God for giving me the things that i want. i'm so blessed, i wonder why. the reason why i'm saying this is because a friend told me that God left her when she needed Him the most. that's the reason why she thinks that God doesn't participate with our affairs here on earth. i used to think that way. i believe it's called deism. i can see why she's thinks that way. it's sad. well, not really.
i am slightly annoyed at some of my friends. they keep on sending me forwarded messages. they used to make my inbox full until i found out how to deal with them. delete. lol!
it's lunch time. i just stopped watching Grave of Fireflies. it was too depressing. really!
anyway, i stopped watching before i got sick. i just had lunch and i don't want to lose it. i'll just watch this later.
by the way, i do not recommend this film to children.
i woke up feeling lazy today. i took a multivitamin caplet in the hope of having a few energy into my system to get me through the day. this is important since today is Tuesday, the longest day of the week. it's long because i have a regular meeting from 8:30-9:30PM. still, i consider myself lucky for this. i know some people who stay late in the office everyday. i wish i could remember to ask them five years from now if it was worth it.
speaking of dedicated people, i admire my team leader's dedication in her work. she's been here for 8 years, i guess. her dedication, diligence, and wisdom is truly inspiring. i'm lucky to have a boss like her. she's one of the best in the company.
going back to the topic, when i woke up, part of me wanted to stay in bed. but of course, common sense dictates that i should go to work if i don't want things to blow up in my face. i'm such a good boy. at least most of the time. at least i think so. lol!
F and i had dinner together last night, she seemed happy. i'm sure she wasn't the night before. i'm relieved. we talked about eating at Shang and i told her how i really feel about that. it's just too expensive. at least for now. i think i know where to bring her on our next date, but i'm not telling. she might read this post and it would spoil the suspense.
i like my new set of mp3's. thank God for music.
10 differences between winners and losers:
1.When a winner commits a mistake he says "I am wrong".
When a loser commits a mistake he says "It's not my fault".
2.A winner works harder and has more time than a loser.
A loser always is too busy to do what is necessary.
3.A winner faces and solves his problems.
A loser does otherwise.
4.A winner make things happen.
A loser makes promises.
5.A winner would say "I am good but not as good as I want to be".
A loser would say "I am not as bad as the others"
6.A winner listens, understands and responds.
A loser only waits until it is his turn to speak.
7.A winner respects people who are superior to him and would like to learnfrom them.
A loser does otherwise, and would try to find his superiors' faults.
8.A winner is responsible not just for his own work.
A loser will note dare help others and would say "I'm just doing my job."
9.A winner would say "There should be a better way to do it."
A loser would say "This is the only way to do it."
(you can disregard this last one.)
10.A winner like you will share this with his friends.
A loser will just keep this to himself because he doesn't have time sharing this with others.
based on this list, i am considered a winner. HOW COME I DON'T FEEL LIKE ONE!
i therefore conclude that this list is flawed. muwahahaha! (evil laugh!)
list taken from F's journal. (without permission but i think she won't mind.)
it's happening again. why do i have so many issues? why can't i be normal like... like a normal person? hmmm.. that makes me wonder. is it ok to be normal? would i be happy being normal or would i had killed myself out of extreme boredom? i could never imagine myself being normal. 1, 2, 3, 4, i mentioned normal 5 times already. i have to make it my title. lol! anyway, back to the topic, is anybody normal? i guess not. but i believe that there are people who are more or less normal than others. this term is too broad. i'd like to narrow down the topic and discuss my mental health. (or lack thereof. lol!) i'm paranoid. i get overly irritable when i'm hungry. (overly, is that a word?) my memory is worse than my mobile phone. (which is a nokia 6510, btw.) and worse of all, (or at least i'd like to believe so) i get into this melancholic state in which i get very depressed without a reason (or none that i know of). this is what happens during the process. (i call it changing. you'll see why.) it gets dark (or foggy) all around. i don't feel like myself. i feel very light. i have to make a conscious effort to feel that i am real, to realize that my actions have consequences. i have to do this because i might do something that would have dire consequences that i do not care about at the moment but would be devastating in the future. (it had happened before.) because of this, i try not to do anything new. aside from the fact that i may not be thinking clearly, i also might not be able to appreciate the experience. (there are exceptions to this. i haven't figured exactly why.) i stay like this for days, sometimes weeks. then, i would just realize that its over and everything looks bright. leaving my personality somewhat changed. this doesn't happen often. just once or twice a year. nobody notices this when its happening except for F. she is the only one (besides me) who is affected by my changing. i know why but i'm not telling.
here are the top 3 entries in my wishlist as of date.
1. to be 15 years old again
i want to go back to the past and be young again. don't ask me why. i just do. i know it's impossible but who knows? i just might get lucky!
funny, i remember wishing to be older when i was 15. it seems like i got my wish. lol
2. to be very rich
in progress: 2% complete
3. to be able to read people's minds
this would make my life easier. =)
