the "n" word and changing

it's happening again. why do i have so many issues? why can't i be normal like... like a normal person? hmmm.. that makes me wonder. is it ok to be normal? would i be happy being normal or would i had killed myself out of extreme boredom? i could never imagine myself being normal. 1, 2, 3, 4, i mentioned normal 5 times already. i have to make it my title. lol! anyway, back to the topic, is anybody normal? i guess not. but i believe that there are people who are more or less normal than others. this term is too broad. i'd like to narrow down the topic and discuss my mental health. (or lack thereof. lol!) i'm paranoid. i get overly irritable when i'm hungry. (overly, is that a word?) my memory is worse than my mobile phone. (which is a nokia 6510, btw.) and worse of all, (or at least i'd like to believe so) i get into this melancholic state in which i get very depressed without a reason (or none that i know of). this is what happens during the process. (i call it changing. you'll see why.) it gets dark (or foggy) all around. i don't feel like myself. i feel very light. i have to make a conscious effort to feel that i am real, to realize that my actions have consequences. i have to do this because i might do something that would have dire consequences that i do not care about at the moment but would be devastating in the future. (it had happened before.) because of this, i try not to do anything new. aside from the fact that i may not be thinking clearly, i also might not be able to appreciate the experience. (there are exceptions to this. i haven't figured exactly why.) i stay like this for days, sometimes weeks. then, i would just realize that its over and everything looks bright. leaving my personality somewhat changed. this doesn't happen often. just once or twice a year. nobody notices this when its happening except for F. she is the only one (besides me) who is affected by my changing. i know why but i'm not telling.