what is painful love?

i'm feeling miserable right now. F and I talked last night and it left me with a heavy heart. apparently, she was hurt by our last encounter and she removed me from her friends list. by chance, the birthday celebration i had planned was cancelled and left me with a free night. i wanted to know how much F has changed because i felt like i don't know her anymore. so i called her.

"hello!"
"hello, wassup? nasan ka?"
"office, ikaw?"
"nasa bugis"
"anong ginagawa mo sa bugis?"
"nasa mrt ako. OT ka ba? what time ka lalabas? gusto mo magdinner?"
"uhm... hanggang 8 pa ako"
i checked the time, it was 7:15
"ah... ok. next time na lang, marami pa namang next time e. hehehe"
"sure ka?"
"anong sure ako? bakit wala na bang next time?"
"nakita mo na ba yung friendster?"
"ha? hindi. bakit? in a relationship ka na?"
"hindi pa. binura kita sa friendster, sa gmail at sa YM"
"nyak! bakit?"
"basta"

i had to talk to her. but not before making sure that she wanted to talk to me too. i didn't know what made her do that. delete me from her friendster. i thought we were friends. i was counting on to that. and there i was, i wasn't even her friendster. it was only 7:30 when i reached her building. i passed the time wondering what made her do it.

we were able to talk about the sensitive topics that she didn't want to talk about before. i was able to tell her everything i wanted to tell her. how i loved her so much and how i felt betrayed when she broke up with me. i told her i was not okay. while this was going on, i was asking myself, "what do i hope to accomplish?" i did not have an answer, but that did not stop me from pouring my heart out.

and as i talked to her all night, i was feeling pain. more pain. more than i what started out with. i realized that she's still the same. my love for her is still the same. but i am no longer the same. for the same love that used to give me great joy now gives me great pain.