my heart

my heart's been on an emotional roller coaster ever since that dream. i feel so tired. if only my heart could rest.

what is painful love?

i'm feeling miserable right now. F and I talked last night and it left me with a heavy heart. apparently, she was hurt by our last encounter and she removed me from her friends list. by chance, the birthday celebration i had planned was cancelled and left me with a free night. i wanted to know how much F has changed because i felt like i don't know her anymore. so i called her.

"hello!"
"hello, wassup? nasan ka?"
"office, ikaw?"
"nasa bugis"
"anong ginagawa mo sa bugis?"
"nasa mrt ako. OT ka ba? what time ka lalabas? gusto mo magdinner?"
"uhm... hanggang 8 pa ako"
i checked the time, it was 7:15
"ah... ok. next time na lang, marami pa namang next time e. hehehe"
"sure ka?"
"anong sure ako? bakit wala na bang next time?"
"nakita mo na ba yung friendster?"
"ha? hindi. bakit? in a relationship ka na?"
"hindi pa. binura kita sa friendster, sa gmail at sa YM"
"nyak! bakit?"
"basta"

i had to talk to her. but not before making sure that she wanted to talk to me too. i didn't know what made her do that. delete me from her friendster. i thought we were friends. i was counting on to that. and there i was, i wasn't even her friendster. it was only 7:30 when i reached her building. i passed the time wondering what made her do it.

we were able to talk about the sensitive topics that she didn't want to talk about before. i was able to tell her everything i wanted to tell her. how i loved her so much and how i felt betrayed when she broke up with me. i told her i was not okay. while this was going on, i was asking myself, "what do i hope to accomplish?" i did not have an answer, but that did not stop me from pouring my heart out.

and as i talked to her all night, i was feeling pain. more pain. more than i what started out with. i realized that she's still the same. my love for her is still the same. but i am no longer the same. for the same love that used to give me great joy now gives me great pain.

filler no. 415

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

happy

I'm happy now.

 

Yes I am.

 

That is why I 'm forcing myself to blog... even if I don't feel like it.

 

Hay...  =P

 

JUMP!

baskin'

I woke up in the middle of the night. I can't sleep so I blogged to pass the time.

I am basking in my melancholy. I am yearning for the past. I am yearning to relive the happy moments I had with F. The good times. And for a short while, I did. I was able to remember how good it felt to be loved. Most importantly, I felt my love for her. I realize that I am happier thinking about how much I loved her than how much she loved me.

It's hard to admit that I'm suffering. (Damn this stupid pride!) This is the best thing that ever happened to me, and now it ends. (I will never forget time we went to a mall near our school. I was driving and she was giving me the directions. I told her, "You're my map. I am lost without you." She was always good with directions. She had always given me directions. I have a lot of things going on in my mind and she is the one who gives me focus. I wouldn't be in Singapore if it weren't for her. She was there for me during my darkest days. She's the person I can do nothing with and never be bored. I can talk to her about anything and everything.) I have no one to blame but myself. To thy ownself be true. Who am I kidding? I'm not okay. I will be, but not right now. I was okay then, but not anymore.

It's funny how my dreams reflect more truth than reality. It's funny how a single dream can change you from doing great to being a total wuss (like what I am doing now). It's just too bad that my dream came late. It feels as if I don't know her anymore. She has changed. I have changed. She has moved on. And I know, soon enough, when I'm ready, I will move on too.

But for now, let me bask in my melancholy.



so much for not being a sad person...

=P

i'm not a sad person

I don't want to fill this blog with sad and depressing entries but it seems that only when I'm feeling down that I feel like blogging. This is some sort of outlet for me. My catharsis, perhaps?

 

According to answers.com, Catharsis is defined as a release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit.

 

Perhaps not. Based on the definition above, this blog is not a catharsis for me. I do not feel refreshed nor my spirit restored after making an entry. At best, I just feel lighter. Or should I say, less heavy.

 

Also from answers.com: Vent is defined as a means of escape or release from confinement; an outlet.

 

So that's what this is. My vent. My outlet.

 

I am not a sad person. I just blog more when I'm depressed.

 

=P

my dreams are killing me

My dreams are killing me.

 

I hate them.

 

I have no control over them.

 

The worst part of it is, I actually enjoy these dreams. Then, I wake up. Everything comes back to me.

 

That's when it starts to hurt.

 

And my day is ruined before it has begun.

Hurt by Johnny Cash

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Waraku: totemo oishi desu

Last night, Liz and I went back to East Coast Road. This time to try Waraku, the Japanese resto. She had a stressful day at work while I had a really slow and boring day. Just like what I'm having right now. Very uneventful. lol. I was hoping that some Jap food would turn our day around. Happily, it did. Allow me to share.

I forgot to bring my Powershot so my phone cam would have to do. It's better than nothing! Good thing I have a Cybershot phone. The quality is not that bad. =)

We got to the place at around 7:30ish. (I had previously mistaken the nearby Hongkong Tea House for Waraku because the sign was red and there were Japanese-like characters on it. I was not really paying attention 'cause I was really excited to eat.) I think Liz was just as excited as I was.

Liz: the girl in blur

Seeing the pictures of food displayed outside the resto made my mouth water and my stomach grumble.


Waraku's facade: simple but very Japanese (I like)

We had a really hard time ordering. There were so many choices and we could not decide what to order. We wanted to try everything. Really! I think it took us 15 - 20 minutes to decide. lol. I had to tell Liz that we'll just come back for the things we could not try that night. That made her less undecided. =P

I ordered... lemme think... ah! Tsubaki Set meal. It includes a bowl of mushroom noodle soup and bbq eel with rice. The waiter asked me if I wanted Udon or Soba. I didn't know what he meant so Liz and the waiter explained that udon noodles are thick and soba noodles are thin. I thought thick noodles are unusual so I said: "Oh, I'll have the thick one."

How about that! I learned something new. Now, I know what udon and soba are. =)

Liz ordered Salmon in cream sauce noodles and a set of Unagi Fotomaki.

There was no California Maki in the menu... and I did not bother to ask. Toink! =P

My eyes opened wide when my food arrived. The serving was big enough for two! I was afriad that I could not finish them all. lol! But eventually, I did. Well, there were still some soup left on the bowl... but I ate all the noodles! Liz's food was huge too. Probably even more than mine. And it tastes better than mine, too.

Yes, I tasted her food again. lol.

The food we ordered was good for four. We had hardly eaten half of our food but we were already full. We decided to stop eating first and talk while waiting for our stomach to make room for more food.

We had to stop. We could not eat anymore.


Mushroom and udon noodles: the orange thing in the middle is caviar (I think)


Unagi: BBQ eel (yummy!)


Salmon in "kurimu" sauce: Liz never got to finish her food


Unagi Fotomaki: we almost forgot to take this picture

The damage was 50 bucks. The bottomless green tea costs 1sgd. Cold water is free. The service was okay. Though they were shouting all around (They were shouting phrases like "____, onegaishimasu!"), I didn't mind. I was busy enjoying the food and talking to Liz.

We will definitely go back to Waraku. This time, we'll bring reinforcements.

=P

fixing other people's problems

One stupid thing I always do is that I always try to fix other people's (particularly girls') problems. This was very apparent in my relationship with F. She would tell me her problems about her dormmates, her studies, her friends, and her family. I would then give her advice on what to do and how to do it. But all she really wanted was to be heard. To connect to me by making me feel what she feels. And I believe that most, if not all, girls are like that. They just want to be heard.

Unfortunately, it's hard for me to kick the habit. I have to restrain myself from fixing their problems. Sometimes, or rather most of the time, I catch myself in the middle of giving unsolicited advice. When that happens, I imaginarily hit myself in the head and hope that my friend doesn't find me obtrusive. lol

I don't know if this is what they call the Messiah Complex (Bruce Wayne, anyone?). But if it is, I got a mild case of it.

=P

The Jeweller's Shop

I have just seen the play entitled The Jeweller's Shop. It's a play written by Pope JP2.

Shouts: JP2 we love you!

But, although I love JP2, I didn't actually like the play. Sorry. It wasn't that it was too idealistic (although slightly). It wasn't too mushy either (again, although slightly). It was not because it wasn't entertaining. It was.

The reason why I didn't like the play is because, for some reason, it roused up my fear of commitment. The mix of mushiness and idealism of the story ruined it for me. Add the fact that it was written by the late pope, a world renowned celibate. It simply didn't appeal to me. I guess it's just a matter of taste.

Like an ugly monster sticking it's head out.
Quickly, I chased it away
and washed the thought out of my head.
And though I seem fine now,
I would be cautious and vigilant.
For I know that it is there,
lurking at the back of my mind,
waiting for the day when love comes to visit me again.

my five-second whispered prayer

Lord, please teach me to be happy with the things that I have. Please continue to remind me that you have given me so much and that I should not ask for more. Please free me from thoughts of envy and greed. This I ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

new housemates soon

By mid-October, I'll be having new housemates. The Thai girls in the master's bedroom will be replaced by 3 pinays. Hurray!

Soon, it will feel like a house. I will no longer be constrained in my room.

 

We can clean the house together. (or the girls can do that without me. lol!)

We'll have lower utility bills. (the Thais consume a lot of electricity.)

We'll cook. I hope the girls can cook.

 

The house will feel more cozy when they get in. I think it would be fun to have them around! =)

offering my work to the Lord

I dragged myself to work today. I hate how I hate the going to work this morning. The first working day of the month. The time were I have to submit a time report on my previous month's tasks. I hate how I realize that I did not do my best. And I'm not at the top of my game. I hate how this keeps happening, month after month. So now, I'm gonna try something different. Here's what I'm going to do:

 

I'll offer this month to the Lord.

 

I'll start the morning with prayer. I hope I don't forget. I hope I keep this up. For this, I think I would need a help from my friends. I'll ask them to remind me every morning. For 21 days. I heard that if you do something for 21 consecutive days, it will become a habit. I'll put that theory to the test.